


Mutual

by brumalbreeze



Category: Free!
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-02
Updated: 2015-09-02
Packaged: 2018-04-18 18:15:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4715795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brumalbreeze/pseuds/brumalbreeze
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It started as a single flame amidst dry underbrush and desiccated branches, shy and unsure at the first lick of heat. First, it was only smoke and the blackening edges of leaves. Then, it was the sharp snapping from a bubble of tree sap and the wilting of grass blades.</p><p>And then it was an explosion of heat—a flare-up out of nowhere—and they were suddenly bright and blazing and out-of-control.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mutual

**Author's Note:**

> **Warning** : Nothing _horrifically bad_ happens, but really sad stuff does? I'm heading out to a family vacation soon, and I figured that if _I'm_ going to be suffering, I'll bring down some other people with me as well, so! Just beware with this fic!
> 
> Many, many thanks to [Shaples](http://archiveofourown.org/users/shaples) for beta-reading and helping me out of some tight spots with this! I'm very grateful for your help, even if you _were_ frowning intensely at me the whole time!  <3
> 
> (My commissions are open! For more information, [please see here](http://algidwind.tumblr.com/commissions).)
> 
> Also on [Tumblr](http://algidwind.tumblr.com/post/128217526763/mutual-reinagisa).

It started as a single flame amidst dry underbrush and desiccated branches, shy and unsure at the first lick of heat. First, it was only smoke and the blackening edges of leaves. Then, it was the sharp snapping from a bubble of tree sap and the wilting of grass blades.

And then it was an explosion of heat—a flare-up out of nowhere—and they were suddenly bright and blazing and out-of-control.

Rei and Nagisa were both so young and inexperienced then, absolutely brimming with energy. The start was rough, full of arguments and angry tears; ignorance at what was right, _who_ was right; and unbridled enthusiasm to try and try again. And it was that unwavering dedication which rekindled flickering embers until they were blistering hot again.

No one was surprised by how quickly they fell for each other, despite Rei’s initial curtness with Nagisa. Once they warmed up to each other, there was no turning back. Rei’s cold nature stood no chance against Nagisa’s spitfire passion, after all. And it was from their first exchange of sparks and curling smoke that everything started.

Their fire was different from the gentle, warm hearth Haruka and Makoto had been nursing from their childhood days. And it was definitely not like the starter logs which refused to catch aflame but only kept spewing out thick smoke until Rin finally cracked and let Aiichirou in. Rei and Nagisa were an inferno which refused to stop from the very beginning.

From treetop to treetop, their embers skipped, spreading flames and dripping scorching ashes everywhere. They were bright and impossible to turn away. Together, they were a terror that even four years of reluctant separation in different universities couldn’t snuff out.

And, like that, their wildfire grew with them as the years went on.

After they both graduated, they moved into a cramped apartment barely large enough to accommodate one, much less two, and learned how to compromise even more than before.

In the mornings, they woke up groggily and giggled as they competed to see whose bed-hair was worse. In the afternoons, they worked while thinking of each other. At night, they came back together and fell asleep quietly, tiny but reliable flames in a sturdy lantern.

Nagisa filled their home with plants of all sorts: large-leafed ones which kept hitting Rei in the face until he learned to swerve around them; clingy, stringy ones which curled around pens Nagisa left on a table for too long and forgot about; and flowering ones which they harvested into bouquets for friends when they bloomed. On their balcony grew sweet peas and tomatoes and strawberries, depending on the season.

Rei filled their home with cats: a scraggly kitten he found on the way home; a sleek, shy one from a cat café they visited together; and an older, moodier one from their neighbor down the hall. Between the branches and leaves of Rei and Nagisa’s makeshift jungle, the cats prowled and slept, always waiting for their next victim to chase and pounce on.

The novelty of being in love didn’t fade for them, and they were happy together.

But fires as hot and fast as theirs were never sustainable, not by any means.

They had thought their fuel was infinite, and they were not wrong. It wasn’t an issue of running out of new material to consume, but the simple amount of _air_ they had left. At first, they relished the heavy clouds of smoke which billowed into the sky, but as time drew on, the intricate blooms became suffocating. The soot which was first celebrated as dainty snowflakes started to clog throats and blind eyes, and the sour smell of charred foliage clung onto everything. They were beginning to gasp for air and coming back with lungfuls of ash instead.

Their realization of this was slow but mutual.

Their fall-out wasn’t messy, but natural in its purest definition.

At night, before falling asleep, Nagisa would stare at Rei’s open and vulnerable face, smoothed and relaxed by unconsciousness and just as handsome as when they first met. Beneath the warm-enough-only-because-they-slept-together blankets, Nagisa would bite his lip, gingerly put Rei’s arm around his waist, and settle in for the night with a sigh.

They were still young and full of potential, but in their cramped apartment which no amount of cleaning up and organizing seemed to make better, Nagisa couldn’t help but wonder if it was really enough. On optimistic days, the two of them could call their home “cozy,” but on most days, it was just “cramped.”

To Nagisa, Rei seemed to have a much brighter future ahead of him, full of chances and opportunities that he could only dream of. It used to only be a fleeting thought during his most vulnerable moments, but now, Nagisa found himself constantly doubting whether Rei was really okay with what they had now. Their apartment was small and crammed with too many plants and cats, they had to dance and skip around each other to get from the kitchen to the bathroom, their heater broke down often and forced them to huddle with all their cats and blankets for warmth, and they could only open the windows in the summer and hope for a stale breeze to pass by because they couldn’t afford leaving the air conditioner on all the time.

Rei was so smart and resourceful, he surely deserved more. He deserved someplace better than this, and maybe someone better than Nagisa too. Someone who could keep up with his research, be a proper conversation partner for his ideas, and earn more so he could at least move into a bigger home.

It was something they never discussed, but the more years that passed, the more Nagisa felt that he was the reason why Rei was trapped in such a backwards situation. Instead of being able to pursue his studies in a comfortable home with a mindful partner, he had to make do with Nagisa.

Maybe if he hadn’t been so forceful with Rei when they first met and swept him up in their flashfire romance, Rei’s situation would have been vastly different. It was his fault that Rei’s perfectly planned out life had been derailed and upturned, after all. But Nagisa had always been too impulsive and reckless. Even their impromptu move-in together narrowly avoided being an elopement, but only because Rei made sure to do his research carefully.

They had both agreed it was a good idea at the time, but if Nagisa hadn’t brought it up, Rei might have had more time to think over things and decide on a better course for the two of them. Maybe it would have been better to wait for a few more years before renting their own place, or maybe it would have been better if they had broke up so Rei could have found a more suitable partner. Regardless of the numerous situations Nagisa thought would have been better for Rei, it was too late, and now Rei was stuck with him.

When these thoughts slipped into his mind, Nagisa curled his hands harder around Rei’s waist, tried to sleep, and hoped that he would wake up in time for work.

And then, morning would come.

Rei would dutifully drag Nagisa out of bed, make sure he brushed his teeth and washed his face, and plop him down before their tiny coffee table. The first few years of living together, they made breakfast together, but soon, the time and effort required for that drained away, and they stopped. Nowadays, Nagisa only drank a cup of coffee for breakfast, and Rei a cup of tea.

As Rei waited for their drinks to finish up, he would glance over the messy countertop and watch Nagisa sit listlessly on the couch, absentmindedly petting one of their cats and barely paying attention to the television that he turned on only out of habit.

They were still young—only in their late twenties—and so full of potential, but the years had changed them, and Rei hardly ever saw Nagisa laugh and smile as freely as he used to when they were only fifteen and still unjaded. Sometimes, he managed to say something funny or witty enough to make Nagisa chuckle or roll his eyes playfully, but rare were the moments when they would laugh until tears slipped from their eyes.

Rei often thought about what had happened between then and now, and the simple conclusion was that they had both become so _tired_. With their unchanging routine, their lives, and maybe even each other, by this point. It wasn’t as if he didn’t know what was happening, since Rei had read more books on how to maintain a healthy, long-term relationship than he could count, but he just didn’t know what else to do. And even if he theoretically knew what to do in order to save their failing relationship, Rei wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to do it. After all, Nagisa deserved so much more.

Nagisa deserved someone who was just as energetic and enthusiastic as him, who could provide him more than a dingy little apartment with too many cats and too little space, and who was simply _better_. Nagisa should be out in the world, laughing and brightening everyone else’s lives with his energy. But instead, Rei had trapped him in their tiny apartment and drained every last drop of Nagisa’s previous cheeriness.

It had been his fault that they even got in this situation in the first place.

He had been always weak to Nagisa. He, who had only been calculating and cautious from before he could remember, suddenly became heady with the drunkenness of youth. It seemed like a great idea when Nagisa first suggested it to him: that they find a nice apartment in the big city and live there together. Rei had been enthusiastic and excited about the prospect too, and before they knew it, they had found a place and moved in.

In retrospect, Rei knew they should have waited—thought about it more, planned things out more diligently, made sure it really _was_ a good idea—but now was too late to do anything about it. Rei regretted their shotgun decision, but only because he knew now that he should have been more level-headed and responsible. If he had just slowed down a little, maybe they wouldn’t be in such a less-than-ideal state which required Nagisa to be pulling double-shifts and overtime constantly just to keep them afloat, since Rei had to devote so much time to his doctorate studies that he couldn’t keep a part-time job simultaneously.

Although Nagisa never said anything about it, Rei still felt like it was his fault that Nagisa had become so dull and tired all the time. The guilt of not being enough for Nagisa was bitterer than the unsweetened tea he gulped down and almost burned himself with.

When it was time for Nagisa to go to work, Rei drew him in by the waist for a good-bye kiss—now a routine gesture more than an act of spontaneous affection—and tried to hold him there for a second longer, but Nagisa was running late and pulled away half a second after their lips touched.

As Nagisa stepped out the door, his heart weighed down with his short-comings, and Rei watched him, _his_ heart heavy with the weight of his inadequacy, they both thought about how _exhausted_ they were and how, maybe, things would be better if they learned to let each other go.

 

* * *

 

That night, Nagisa came home to an unsurprisingly quiet and dark apartment. Rei had already gone to sleep hours ago. As he took off his shoes and coat, he remembered back when Rei used to wait up for him, even though Nagisa kept telling him he didn’t have to. It would be some time past one after he caught the last train back, and Rei would still be up with the television switched on to some variety show and all three cats piled on top of him. He felt bad back then, since he knew Rei got terrible migraines every time he didn’t get enough sleep, but the selfish part of him loved being able to see Rei sitting up for him when he opened the door.

More often than not, the only thing they did was exchange a few chaste kisses and smiles and chat for a bit before Rei couldn’t hold out any longer, and Nagisa had to tuck him into bed. But it was still so worth it, if just for those few minutes they could spend together.

Somewhere along the way, Rei stopped. At first, it wasn’t intentional. He’d still wait for Nagisa to come back from work, but he’d fall asleep, television still on and cats curled in his lap greedily. Slowly, the nights Nagisa would come home to Rei ready to pour him a cup of hot cocoa decreased and the nights he returned to a sleeping household increased. And then, it became a norm for him to sneak around and do his best not to wake Rei up until their alarms went off in the morning.

Nagisa held onto Rei extra tightly that night, his breath catching in his throat no matter how slowly he tried to breathe. Rei pretended to be asleep while Nagisa cried and his own tears dropped silently on their pillow.

The next day would be the start of another weekend, and there were a lot of things they had to talk about.

 

* * *

 

Morning came sooner for Rei than for Nagisa. He was up half an hour before Nagisa was, and he went about their home, feeding the cats and watering the plants. He looked around their apartment fondly and with a painful lump in his throat. Everything in the home held a trace of their combined time and love together, no matter how frivolous they seemed. The picture frames which held memories of their high school days past, the potted gerberas Rei bought for Nagisa five birthdays ago, the hand-colored mug Nagisa made for Rei the previous Christmas. Everything.

He gripped the colorful mug in his hand a little more tightly, almost forgetting what he was doing with it in the first place.

A small noise from the bedroom made him turn around. Nagisa was slowly making his way out to the living room, his eyes swollen and hair messy. Rei made no comment on them, just as Nagisa didn’t say anything about him.

“Sorry,” Rei said, putting on a faint smile out of habit. “Did I wake you up?”

“No,” Nagisa replied, absentmindedly combing his fingers through his hair. “I just woke up and you weren’t there, I guess,” he said uncertainly.

“Oh. Sorry.” Rei apologized again without really knowing why. He turned back to the countertop and said in a louder voice, “I’m making tea now, but I’ll start on your coffee too.”

“Okay. Thanks.” Nagisa made his way to the coffee table and sat on the floor.

The air between them was much more awkward than usual, and they both knew why even though they hadn’t talked about it. Perhaps it was because of how long they had known each other and learned each other’s habits and thinking processes, but they knew.

The fallout wasn’t messy or violent, unlike their fall for each other.

It was, in the purest sense of the words, mutual and quiet.

They were both so tired, and the only heat they had left in them was the prickling flames burning in their eyes, throats, and noses.

Rei placed their mugs on the table and sat down at the corner adjacent to Nagisa without a word.

They were both so tired, and they knew what was coming next.

Nagisa watched as Rei kept turning his mug in his hands, rotating it on the table and trying to hold his palms against the hot surface for as long as possible. He settled for gripping the handle of it tightly. His eyes were drawn up to Rei’s face even before he began speaking.

“Nagisa,” Rei said, making it one of those rare moments when he dropped the honorific and called Nagisa by his given name only. He sounded far more tired than he appeared with puffy eyes and dark eye circles.

“Yes?”

“I’ve been thinking,” he said, and they knew they had both been thinking.

This wasn’t a falling out of love, they knew. It was an act of mercy. A way to let the other find a better place, a better life, a better partner. They still loved each other very much—maybe a little too much.

But too much of a good thing is a bad thing, and if they really loved each other, they would let each other go, and a hundred, a thousand, a million more idioms came to mind as they swallowed the brambles in their throats and remembered that this wasn’t a falling out of love but an act of mercy.

It was the greatest sacrifice.

“Maybe it’s time for us to break up.”

The last ember of their wildfire romance burnt out and swirled into the air as a meandering slip of smoke.

Nagisa sighed and closed his eyes, world-weary beyond his years and exhausted. He pressed his fingers more tightly around his mug. “Okay, Rei.”

And they both pretended not to see the other crying.


End file.
